Phosphorescence

 I don’t know where to go or what to do.  I thought I would have all this stuff figured out by now considering I’m a father of 5.  But, No GO!!!

With a new addition to the family brings new challenges.  I think its the same for every family, but I fail to the selfish side of life, so I will stick with my situation and pretend its the worst anyone have ever been through.

My daughter.  Amazing!  Completely amazing.  I can just stare at her and do nothing  but stare more.  She is like looking into a scene consisting of the northern lights glistening in the sky and waves crashing on a beach filled with phosphorescence.  The fact that she is surrounded with blue LED lights to fight off the Jaundice she received from birth…helps, but apart from her yellow skin and eyes, she is beautiful, and I am helpless.

I wonder if I will ever be able to be sober in spirit to walk this everyday life without yelling at the rest of my family?  When the “phosphorescence” cries, has an upset stomach, or throws up… I don’t know what to do, I’m lost.  It aches me to the core watching her be in pain or discomfort and it seems that only mom can comfort her. And that kills me too.  I want to be a hero for my wife as well.  Proving to her that I am useful around the house and to her.  Yet, all that seems to come out is harshness. So much so, that I take it out on the rest of the family.  Especially my oldest today.

Today, I threw a pair of socks, that I was going to wear, out of the kitchen toward my shoes.  I did this because I wasn’t quite ready to leave yet and I was watching my wife scramble to get lunch made for the other kids.  In my head, I knew that she was on limited time because the baby was sleeping and she decided to use this liberty to make food.  Something that a normal person who didn’t just go through labor a few days ago could handle.  I wasn’t doing anything to help.  I was failing.  Failing to help her, failing to love her, failing to give her rest, failing…  When my son saw me launch my socks out of the kitchen he just stared at me with his mouth open.  Open like he was trying to catch flies, or an alligator standing by for a fish to swim through his jaws of death.  Then he said to me, “what??? you yell at us when we throw our stuff around, and you just did.”   I lost it.  Assuming that he was just waiting for me to mess up so he could snap his jaw shut for the kill, I barked back like rabid dog.  My pride got so crushed that I wouldn’t stop.  How dare a 12yr old call me out!!! I am dad! But, he was right.  I did throw my stuff around.

I proceeded to crush him with words until he was in tears and gasping for a breath.  My wife started telling me that this was the “heat” and I didn’t deal with it right.  This was another crushing set of words.  My ego was being trampled as if I were in a bull run.  I proceeded to tell her to shut her mouth and she needed to stay out of it. … another fail.

My son and my wife had full liberty to tell me those things.  In fact, they were in the right.  I was in the wrong.  My emotions of being a miserable husband and father echoed into my life so strong that I lashed out.  WHY???   I cant blame my northern lights and phosphorescence.  I cant blame my amazing wife that wants me to succeed at everything I do.  I cant blame my son, who is just 12.  I have to blame me.

God, I ask you help me with my attitude.  Although I apologized to my family for my lack of trust to you, can you help me be a servant.  Not for people to see, my pride, my wife, or kids, but a servant for You.  I lack everything without you.

We have all forgiven each other for the wrongs we have done in our verbal attacks.  I just cant shake the fact that I was so helpless.  Helpless in my physical actions, and helpless with my words.  I allowed NO one to help me.  That wasn’t cool.