Therapeutic Revenge

You love them and hate them.  They are powerful and weak.  They are amazing and functional, annoying and stupid.  They help you, and hinder you.   They give you status both good and bad, but always make you broke.  What am I dancing around?  Your car’s engine.  Engines in our cars play an important factor in our everyday lives for transportation, relaxation, or even running from the law. We often find ourselves, taking it for granted, all the blood, sweat, and smashed fingers that went into building it, when everything is fully functional.  We just put the key in the car’s ignition, turn and go.  But what happens when it breaks down?  Most of the time we see it as the most annoying invention that man has created aside from Shake Weights and Snuggie’s.  All you can do is think about how horrible your car’s engine is, how dirty your car always is, and how you wish you had a new one.  The problem with a new car is the same as the old one; it is a piece of machinery, assembled from various parts with nuts and bolts.  It too, will break down one day. That is why we should save ourselves the trouble and blow up our car’s engines whenever we suspect a failure about to happen.  Now, this can be a tricky quest because if you blow it up too soon, you fail; both financially and in good standing with your neighbors. Although, if you realize the problem; at the right time, you can save yourself a lot of heart ache and frustration.

First, we need to discuss some details of an engine to gain knowledge of the various parts that could cause failure, and how to rightfully diagnose the proper time to blow it up.  The engine under the hood of your car is made up of mostly steel and aluminum with lots of moving parts.  On the inside, every automobile engine has the same basic parts; pistons, a crankshaft, a camshaft, cylinder heads, and valves.  Pistons are connected to the crankshaft by a connecting rod.  This takes the up and down travel of the piston and converts it to a rotational torque to finally supply movement.  Geared off the crankshaft is the camshaft.  The camshaft spins at one half the speed of the crankshaft driving the valves that are located in the cylinder head.  The valves control when a cylinder receives fuel and when it exhausts the burnt fuel from the cylinder. These parts, working together, allow the engine to perform the “suck, squeeze, pop, blow” method of a 4-stroke or Otto Cycle engine in your car.  These four sequences, or strokes, are divided up by the position of the piston.  When a piston starts moving downward in cylinder; it sucks, sucking in fuel governed by the opening of the intake valve in the cylinder head.  When the piston moves upward; it squeezes, compressing the mixture of fuel and air.  Then, POP!  The fuel mixture is ignited causing an explosion, causing the piston to travel back down. (We will discuss more about this later.)  The exhaust valve then opens as the piston moves back up in the cylinder blowing out the burnt fuel.  The process then repeats for that cylinder. Keep in mind, that the majority of engines on the road have more than one cylinder, so when one cylinder is on the “pop” stroke, another is on the “suck” stroke ,yet another is on the “blow” stroke, and so on.  Needless to say, with one revolution of the crank shaft there is the potential of several “pop” strokes.  Multiply those “pop’s” by the revolutions per minute (RPM), and you have a disaster ready to happen.  Again, we will get into this a bit later.

Next we will briefly talk about some of the supporting components that help make an engine run;  engine oil, antifreeze, and the battery to name a few.  Every engine needs oil for lubrication and cooling.  The parts in the engine are built to such tight tolerances that oil is required to keep it all moving smoothly and help cool the inside of the engine from heat generated by friction.  Antifreeze, commonly referred to as water, flows through passages throughout the engine block and cylinder head supplying cooling for them by means of heat transfer.   The hot water then flows into little tubes inside the radiator; air passing by these tubes cools off the water before going back into the engine to repeat the process.  Lastly, is the battery; the battery supplies power to make the whole process start.  When you turn the key, then engine starts to turn over moving pistons to the “pop” stroke.  When this happens, the engine can start to run all on its own without the need of any assistance.  It comes alive, if you will?

Now, you may be asking yourself, was all this necessary?  I would say, “yes.”  Without the knowledge of the complexity of an engine, you would never know how easy it was to blow it up.  Which leads us into the topic, When do you know it’s time to make the big decision?

-CAUTION-

Please do not proceed if repairs cost less than the dollar amount to replace a blown up engine

-NOTE-

Caution notes are only for cautious people, I suggest you make your decision “spur of the moment.”

There is no doubt that engines are complex and that is why blowing them up is easier than fixing them.  Some examples of repairs that constitute blowing them up are:

1.  Say you have oil leaking out of the engine from somewhere.  Well, we know that oil is vital to an engine’s lubrication and cooling and should not be on the ground.  It should be in the engine.  This is a complex repair which constitutes blowing it up because it will happen anyway; it’s only a matter of time before the engine completely runs out of oil causing it to blow up on its own; mind as well propel the inevitable and get it over and done with.

2.   If the engine is running hot, it’s time to pull the plug on her.  Chances are that the radiator is having grief and is not allowing the engine to cool down.  When engines get too hot, they blow up on their own or worse, blow a gasket.  If a gasket blows, the engine is savable, but you are left with the anxiety of how to discover which gasket blew.  It would have been easier to just, blow it up.

3.  If you get in the car one morning and turn the key and there is, nothing; this probably means there is something wrong with the battery.  Batteries are the most frustrating repair a car can go through.  Not only does this situation make you late for everything, but once the battery gets replaced; you have to reset your clock and stereo presets.  It is just easier to blow the thing up. (After you get a jump start)

-NOTE-

This is not an exhaustive list, just examples.  Use discretion as you proceed.  Please refer to the top of page to  assist you in properly diagnosing any issues with your car.

-NOTE-

I want to specify that blowing up your engine with explosives is cheating and I do not commend it.  If you want to blow it up the right way, you need to follow the relatively easy process outlined below.

The act of blowing up the engine in your car is simple to do and therapeutic depending on the situation and repair that is needed.  For starters, you will need to have a vehicle that is on your blow up list, a pocket knife, crescent wrench, and a brick.  The easiest way to blow up an engine is through speed.  Not necessarily driving speed, but engine speed.  We have already discussed how fast all the moving parts travel in one cylinder, then multiplied it by how ever many cylinders you have, then by how many revolutions per minute (RPM) the engine is spinning.  The idea is getting the engine on that “pop” stroke as fast as possible.  With speed comes friction, with friction comes heat, with heat comes detonation of fuel before it is designed to, which leads to a blown engine.  Here are two options to choose from.

METHOD 1: The Set it and Run

In this method we will be using the brick solely to assist us in the evolution.  It is best to start with a cold engine, or first thing in the morning, because the internal parts have swollen making tolerances tighter; also, the engine oil is thick, but this is not necessary.

1.  With the door open on the car and while standing outside, start the engine.
2. Leave the transmission lever in park or neutral
3. Throw the brick on the gas pedal, ensuring that you don’t miss.
   1. You want to achieve a positive contact with the pedal and ensure it is fully depressed.
   2. Run!  Run to the closest sheltered area within eye sight.  You don’t want to miss the action.
      1.  As you run you will notice that many of the noises or problems the engine made before will probably not be heard.  Don’t let this fool you; the sound of the engine screaming for mercy drowns out many “problem” noises.  Just continue to believe the truth of your blow up list and have faith that you are making the right decision.
      2. Stand back and watch as things go catastrophically wrong.  With all hope, steam will start billowing out of the hood and out the exhaust.
      3. Finally a loud bang will be heard and the entire ruckus, the engine was making, should cease.
      4. You can now safely approach the car in joy that all your troubles are over.
      5.  Success; you need a new engine.

-NOTE-

If the above option fails, and the engine remains running for 30 minutes without it blowing up, you may need to help it along.  Proceed to the car and shut it off, and use method 2.

METHOD 2: The Help and Run

In this method we will help the engine achieve its final destiny you plan for it. This method consists of more steps and a bit more complicated, but the outcome should be much faster than previously outlined in Method 1.

1. First, crawl under the car with the crescent wrench and remove the oil drain plug and drain the oil.
   1. The plug is located in the middle of the car, on the bottom of the engine.
   2. If that is still unclear, don’t worry; just remove all the, plug-looking, bolts you see.
2. Open the hood of the car and locate the radiator hose near the front of the motor
   1. Cut it with the pocket knife.
   2. If you are not sure which one it is, just cut all of them you see; it doesn’t matter.
3.  Now you are ready to begin.  For this method, I recommend leaving the hood of the car open because the sight of the engine blow will be more entertaining that way.

-CAUTION-

Keep safety in mind in the following steps.  Chances are you did not drain any oil or antifreeze in a container, so the ground is going to be extremely slippery.

    4.  Open the door of the car and while standing outside, start the engine.  Leave the transmission lever in park or neutral                                                           .   5.  Throw the brick on the gas pedal, ensuring that you don’t miss.                                                                                                                                                                   .  6.  You want to achieve a positive contact with the pedal and ensure it is fully depressed.

-NOTE-

Do not be alarmed by the spewing of antifreeze from the cuts you previously made in the hoses, this is normal.

1.  Next, run for cover and watch as your troubles and frustration go away.
2. When the final boom is heard and the engine ceases its, scream of death; you can safely approach the car.
3. This is a good time to examine the damage. 
   1. Most of the time you will not be able to see any physical damage, but with enough revenge on your cars, you may have the luxury to experience a hole in the side of the motor.
   2. Again, this is not alarming; it is a privilege signifying another success in the process of eliminating your car troubles.

I hope these short, and relatively easy steps, of blowing up your car’s engine have gained you comfort, in dealing with, the nuisances of minor automotive engine repairs. You are now ready to gain some therapeutic revenge on the most frustrating instances of life.